Welcome to My Headspace

 

“It’s going to be one of those days. The voices in my head are fighting, my imaginary friend is running with scissors, and at one point, one of my personalities wandered of.” ~Meme found on Pinterest

 I’m having one of those days. Actually, I have one of those days quite frequently. They aren’t days that turn out well. They are days that make me feel like a fraction of the person that I am. They are days that just make me want to quit on life. They are days where I just want to curl up on my bed at home and not go out to meet the world. They are days where I want to pretend the world and a lot of people just don’t exist. It’s one of those days for various reasons.

I’m having one of those days where I feel completely invisible, and I don’t want to be invisible today. Somedays I don’t mind being invisible, but today I want to be seen. However I’m not the kind of person who likes to make a spectacle of herself so I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m having one of those days where I’m feeling completely alone, but I don’t want to be alone today. I have never mastered the skill that some women possess of harvesting attention from men, but today is one of those days where I could stand to be noticed by one. Instead I’m one of those women that is never picked, and while I understand some of the reasons why (and I’m working on those things), I don’t understand how I’ve gotten this far in life without attracting some man that wanted to stick around long enough to get to know me better.

I’m having one of those days where my life feels completely on hold. Everyone else’s life is moving at a wonderful pace, but mine seems to be sitting still. So many of my friends are married, have children, work dream jobs/careers, and do amazing things, and I’m just sitting here trying to figure out is this as good as my life is going to get? Should I go back to school? Should I change jobs? Am I missing some fundamental thing that other people comprehend that makes their lives better?

I’m having one of those days where I’m ready to look at my boss and say, “Forget this! I’m done!” The job isn’t fulfilling, and I’m wondering just what I’m doing here sometimes. Is this all I’m qualified to do, or am I not giving myself credit for what I already do and what I know I can do?

I’m having one of those days where I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid of moving forward, but I’m afraid of going back. I’m afraid of being alone, but I’m afraid of loving someone. I’m afraid of being invisible, but I’m afraid of being seen. I’m afraid of change, but I’m afraid of staying the same.

 

“I don’t feel like I should have days.” ~Grace (played by Minnie Driver) speaking to her heart doctor after her successful heart replacement surgery, Return to Me 

But I’m also having one of those days where I’m tired of all the voices in my headspace. I’m tired of the negativity. What if what is wrong with my life is that I’m not thinking positively enough? I’m tired of my own lack of movement and development. What if I need to decide which direction to move so I can head that way? I’m tired of thinking my job is a dead end. What if it’s an open door, but I’m looking at it from the wrong angle?

What if all I need to do is take a leap of faith? It wouldn’t be the first time that God has asked me to do that. I’ve done it before, but what makes me so fearful this time is that I know all the things that can go wrong. I can reason myself to within an inch of my life, and then I take all the joy out of everything around me. I can take a beautiful sunny day and turn it to something like a black hole in my head where it just begins to suck everything wonderful in until joy doesn’t exist anymore in my headspace.

I had the privilege of hearing my younger cousin speak on fear and anxiety in church Sunday morning. She read from Matthew 6:25-34, which talks about all the things we shouldn’t worry about because we don’t have control of them anyways. That’s the scary thing to so many people. They want to believe that they have control of everything…but we don’t. We control very little in this world…if anything.

So today, I’m cleaning out my headspace. I’m pulling out the broom, the mop, the dust rags, the Pine Sol, the window cleaner, the squeegee, the sponge, the air freshener, the vacuum, and anything else I need to clean house. My headspace is going to look, smell, and feel better because it is one area that I can control right now. I can control what I think, what I feel, where I focus, what I see, what I do, and who I love. I might not be able to control timing, but I can control what I do while I wait.

So to boost me up today, I’m thinking of what my cousin read and adding some verses of my own:

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” (Romans 8:28)

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s